


Love Is Pain

by haroldshumjr



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: M/M, Some mentions of abuse, as usual fluff with a touch of angst, but if it triggers you maybe you shouldn't read it, literally just a tiny rference, that's basically
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-16
Updated: 2015-03-16
Packaged: 2018-03-18 04:32:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 997
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3556133
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/haroldshumjr/pseuds/haroldshumjr
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve Rogers and how he saw that love wasn't all pain</p>
            </blockquote>





	Love Is Pain

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys! Yes I am actually publishing something. It's so annoying how I write so many things but almost never publish them smh. Anyway this one was very very heavily inspired by [sleeping--dragon's very very very beautiful story for Lily Evans](http://sleeping--dragon.tumblr.com/post/112857028517/understanding-love). Please be sure to check it out because it was so so good it made me cry and they were sweet enough to allow me to base this thing I wrote on their story. Anyways I hope you guys like my very humble attempt at writing my own take on the story!

Steve Rogers didn’t think that love existed.

Or rather he didn’t know why anyone would put themselves through that. He didn’t think it could exist without pain and suffering and emptiness. It was an odd notion wasn’t it? Love was supposed to be happiness and satisfaction and a certain kind of fulfilment in you. It was supposed to fill all the voids that you never knew existed in your life. Or at least that was what all the songs and stories said. But he didn’t see it.

Young Steve Rogers didn’t see it when his mother lost herself when her father died in the war. He never saw the light return back in her eyes. He didn’t see the smile that always graced her face. The young blond tried to reason. It couldn’t be. The stories she read to him and the songs she sang to him always associated love with happiness. Maybe it was the loss. Maybe that was what was hurting her, he tried to reason. But then it occurred to him. Without the love there wouldn’t be anything to lose.

He tried to look for signs that love was good. It wasn’t always pain right? But then when he was sitting with the Angie from next door, he could see tear streaks on her face and the bruises on her arm. Her father did it because he loved her, she told him. That didn’t make sense. If love was as good as everyone claimed it was, why was Angie crying? Why is it that she winced every time Steve accidentally pressed on the bruise? Why was she in so much pain? He didn’t understand how love wasn’t pain when the person you claim to love was crying more than they were laughing and smiling.

One day Bucky Barnes came over with a pout fixed on his lips. Mr Barnes was told to leave their house because he was kissing someone who wasn’t Bucky’s mother. Steve frowned and looked at the floorboards, trying to understand. He had heard Bucky’s parents coo sweet things to each other. Whenever he saw them he had fleeting moments of hope that maybe love wasn’t as bad as he thought it was. But if you truly loved someone how could you just replace them like that? Weren’t they supposed to occupy every thought? How could you just forget someone and leave them just because you hurt them?

Love was pain, he was certain. He wanted so badly to believe that it was

But it didn’t feel like that when he was with Bucky. He was confused at first because it all made sense, all those love songs and stories. There was that happiness that he felt whenever he was around the brunet. He felt so complete when Bucky had his arm around Steve as they discussed their dreams at the rooftop. He felt his heart race when Bucky cleaned his wound, their skins brushing. He could feel butterflies fluttering in his tummy when Bucky praised his sketches. He longed to bask in Bucky’s attention as they walked back from school as the brunet had his arm slung around Steve’s shoulder.

Then the war happened. He felt the loss that his mother felt. Bucky was off to fight while Steve stayed, waiting anxiously for his letters. Anxiously waiting to make sure that Bucky had made it another day and there was still a chance he could come home to Steve. The letters stopped coming. He tried to reason with him touring for the war bonds. That must have been it. Maybe they didn’t have time to hand him the letters.

Whatever it was, it hurt.

The same voids Bucky filled returned. He felt even worse than before he realised he loved Bucky. Love was pain. He was right. Love was the nights he lay awake craving Bucky’s warmth next to him. Love was the Bucky’s scent lingering on the clothes they sometimes shared. Love was when he was closing his eyes as he tried to sleep and all he could see was Bucky’s smile and how it made his heart thump loudly. Love was his throat closing up when he remember how soft Bucky’s lips were as they pressed against it. Love was the tears leaking from his as he woke up realising he didn’t know if Bucky was even alive. Love was his eyes searching for Bucky’s face in the crowds he would visit and his heart dropping and the way breathing suddenly seemed like a chore when he didn’t see the familiar.

Love was pain.

And then Bucky came back. There was pain in his eyes but then he realised what love was. Love was Bucky whispering how much he loved Steve as they lay in bed. Love was the relief in Bucky’s eyes when he caught sight of Steve in the middle of a battle. Love was the warmth that spread through Steve’s body when their hands found each other’s. Love was Bucky’s laugh ringing in the air when he heard Steve say something very unfunny. Love was the pride in Bucky’s eyes when he saw what Steve could do. Love was knowing that Bucky was Steve’s safest place to hide when things got too much. Love was seeing beauty in things he didn’t see before like the light hitting Bucky’s eyes.

After a while, Steve knew why people fell in love. He knew it when Bucky kissed the top of his head unconsciously. It was pain. Love was all those sleepless nights, wondering if Bucky was eating well or not. It was the nights where he couldn’t breathe from crying to hard because he was scared. It was all worth it because of that smile Bucky reserved specially for Steve. It was worth it when he was pressed against a wall with Bucky presence surrounding him and their fingers tangled in each other’s hair.

Love was Bucky Barnes.

And he knew exactly why people fell in love.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! As usual, kudos and feedback is very much appreciated!


End file.
